radical love: 2016

I.

Lately, life feels like I’ve slammed my hands down on the keyboard. The pages of my life are a mess of letters – incomprehensible yet making all of the sense in the world. You see something like asdfghjkl and you know it isn’t a word and yet you know it means “nothing.”

In the midst of this nothing-mess, everything is falling into place except for me. I like my job, I love my internship, I’m doing well in school, and most of the relationships that matter are budding. I’m unhappy in some aspects, but I can’t say that life isn’t aligning for me.

But what is clear to me now, as has always been clear to me, is that what aligns in the world is not always aligning in the divine. My relationship with the Lord is not where it should be, or where I desire it to be. My love for God has not faltered, but my confidence in the church and the Body has waivered significantly. So while I have so much happening, and it’s all good, it isn’t responding to God’s call in my heart. It’s all responding to the demands on my life. And as Breaking Busy is nailing into me oh so well, my capacity is being reached without outlet.

Except God has created the outlet. I’ve just been neglecting it, choosing instead to run on low battery instead of a full charge. God has spoken to me and to others about me. His message is clear; He wants me to write a story that only I can. But nothing I write seems good enough; I have no poetry to offer, no wise pearls that might be used to breathe life into others. I have asdfghjkl, and that hardly seems worthy of praise.

I know it’s not in my competence, but in my obedience that God will use my words. I do. So this is my cry to You, Lord. What do I write? What is Your message for the world that You want to give to me to deliver? Through what means am I to be Your vessel? I hate not knowing. I want to be obedient, Lord. Give me the means to do so and the Christian community to encourage me. I feel so far away. Draw me closer.

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, by Queer Christian Collective

wild and free

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, by Queer Christian Collective

where do dreams go?

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through prophecy when the body of elders laid their hands on you. Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers. ‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭4:12-16‬ ‭NIV‬‬

As I'm looking over this Scripture in preparation for devotion with the youth I teach tomorrow, I think about the truth it speaks into my own life.

And I'm wondering when it stopped feeling true.

My whole life, I had such high ambitions for "adult Elise." I was going to have a book close to being published by 22 (it's going to happen eventually); I was going to have a daughter by 23 (dear Lord, I politely rebuke this); I was going to be sporting a doctorate by 25 (hrm, not looking too realistic). I was going to do a lot of wonderful things, and this only intensified into my teenage years due to some home trauma.

Young Elise was ready to conquer the world.

Now, as I step into the many hats that "adult Elise" wears, I find myself not lacking in ambition, but rather the confidence and determination that young me once harnessed.

I don't know what it is or why it's come to be, but I do know that God has led me in many different paths since I was young.

First, He lead me to Him. That determination was partially survival instinct, a passion to be anyone but my mother in those years (she's better ow, by His grace).

When I accepted Christ, the burden and need to be somebody was lifted bit by bit, where I began to found my glory in Him and not by my accomplishments.

Second, I don't quite think young Elise knew how babies worked.

I was infamous for stating matter-of-factly that, and I quote (literally), "It's just going to be me and my daughter, I don't need a husband." No, I certainly don't need a husband to have a child, but some sperm donation goes a long way, you see. I didn't know what it would look like to have a baby at 18 (my original goal - no teenage parent shaming for this five year old) or at 23, and I'm not sure why I thought I would be financially, emotionally, or spiritually stable to handle that. Kids are work, yall. I wasn't ready. I'm still not.

The person I eventually warmed up to enough to consider marriage with didn't pan out, as naive high school me learned with a loud crash and boom. We were in love; I know that to be true even five years after we have both moved on. And, had we stayed together, I still don't think I'd be popping out any mini-mes but I definitely would have been married, something I have zero desire for at this time in my life. God didn't think that was my plan.

Third, God redirected me into the path of several social workers my last semester of undergrad. I was determined to jump my masters and apply for doctorate programs in psychology, the dream. That is until I admitted defeat - that I didn't love psychology anymore, that I didn't want to be miserable for the next 4-6 years, and that I kinda sorta for once didn't know what I was doing.

Some great people spoke into my life and I found my passion... two months before I graduated, so obviously too late to apply for any Spring programs. I got into the two grad schools I applied to and settled on something that was everything I wanted: community organizing, planning, and development. So while I wont have a doctorate by 25, I'll have my masters by 24, which is almost as nice.

But in the midst of all this, where are the rest of my dreams? Where is the book I was determined to write? The blogs I longed to upkeep and turn into something powerful? The businesses I wanted to start?

My entrepreneurial spirit hasn't died, and my ambition hasn't fled me. No, it's certainly there, certainly activating with every excited start and stop that occurs in my life.

I feel as though I have fed simultaneously into the lies of deadline living and daydream doubting. I see others my age (or a bit younger/older) and their accomplishments, and I wonder how I'm measuring up and shudder at how I'm letting young Elise down by not having accomplished XYZ. Or I see others doing great things and think, "Uh, I can do that. Possibly better." (I'm so humble sometimes)

Yet as soon as that begins to lift, it feels like an anvil of doubt drops onto it and it sinks, sinks, sinks. "No follow through" is something I have unfortunately become accustomed to when it is a dream of my own. I have so many ideas floating in my head, so much creativity and energy to exert... yet it stays trapped inside.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped listening to God's truth and started believing in the world's limitations. I stopped believing that I could truly set an example for people near and far and started believing that I can only set an example to the people directly in my life. I grew up having so many penpals and Internet-met friends, wonderful people who poured into me and whom I poured into... somewhere, I started putting more effort into who I physically saw, and trusting less in who or what I couldn't see. (Cough cough, isn't there some Scripture that I wasn't living out? Oops.)

I have no resolutions to this dilemma, but I pray that I walk more by faith and in His truth than in what is comfortable and familiar. As they say, comfort zones are beautiful... But nothing ever grows there. There is so much waiting for me and for you to accomplish! Let's walk in the truth of God's word.

We are so much more and can do so much. We have already won because He has already won. No amount of failed attempts will leave us without His grace or with His goodness that tells us to keep trying, I will carry you. Let us learn to be examples to ourselves and those around us. If we are the only Bible people ever read, will they know they are limitless? Or will they believe they are caged by the same lies we are living in?

I encourage you as I encourage myself. I pray that we can turn back to this and look at our dreams and goals with new eyes. We are the church of NOW. Let's be a community that follows through.