In
I.
Lately, life feels like I’ve slammed my hands down on the keyboard. The pages of my life are a mess of letters – incomprehensible yet making all of the sense in the world. You see something like asdfghjkl and you know it isn’t a word and yet you know it means “nothing.”
In the midst of this nothing-mess, everything is falling into place except for me. I like my job, I love my internship, I’m doing well in school, and most of the relationships that matter are budding. I’m unhappy in some aspects, but I can’t say that life isn’t aligning for me.
But what is clear to me now, as has always been clear to me, is that what aligns in the world is not always aligning in the divine. My relationship with the Lord is not where it should be, or where I desire it to be. My love for God has not faltered, but my confidence in the church and the Body has waivered significantly. So while I have so much happening, and it’s all good, it isn’t responding to God’s call in my heart. It’s all responding to the demands on my life. And as Breaking Busy is nailing into me oh so well, my capacity is being reached without outlet.
Except God has created the outlet. I’ve just been neglecting it, choosing instead to run on low battery instead of a full charge. God has spoken to me and to others about me. His message is clear; He wants me to write a story that only I can. But nothing I write seems good enough; I have no poetry to offer, no wise pearls that might be used to breathe life into others. I have asdfghjkl, and that hardly seems worthy of praise.
I know it’s not in my competence, but in my obedience that God will use my words. I do. So this is my cry to You, Lord. What do I write? What is Your message for the world that You want to give to me to deliver? Through what means am I to be Your vessel? I hate not knowing. I want to be obedient, Lord. Give me the means to do so and the Christian community to encourage me. I feel so far away. Draw me closer.
